A Little Bit of Fun
Goon hadn't the slightest idea that he was sitting next to Fatty. He looked through his dark glasses at the dirty old man. Could he be the thief? He tried to see his hands, but Fatty was still wearing the holey old gloves.
"Want some baccy?"said Goon, seeing that Fatty's clay pipe was empty.
Fatty looked at him and then put his hand behind his ear.
"Want some baccy?"said Goon a little more loudly.
Still Fatty held his hand behind his ear and looked enquiringly at Goon, sucking at his dirty old pipe, and squinting horribly.
"WANT SOME BACCY?"roared Goon.
"Oh, ah - yes - I've got a bad back-ache,"answered Fatty. "Oooh, my back-ache. Somethink crool, it is."
"I said, WANT SOME BACCY?"yelled Goon again.
"I heard you the first time,"said Fatty, with dignity. "I'm having treatment for it at the hospital. And for me pore old feet too."
He gave a long, wheezy cough and rubbed the back of his hand over his nose.
"You've got big feet!"said Goon loudly.
"Oh, ah - it's a nice sunny seat,"agreed the old tramp. "I allus sits here of a mornin".
"I said you've got BIG FEET,"shouted Goon.
"You're right. Not enough meat these days,"said the tramp, and coughed again. "'Taint right. Meat's good for you."
Goon gave it up. "Silly old man,"he said in his ordinary voice, thinking that the tramp was absolutely stone deaf. Most surprisingly the old fellow heard him.
"Here! Who are you calling a silly old man?"said the tramp fiercely. "I heard you! Yes, I did! Think I was deaf, didn't you? But I heard you!"
"Now now - don't be silly,"said Goon, alarmed at the disturbance the tramp was making. "Be calm."
"Harm! Yes, I'll harm you!"said the tramp, and actually raised his stick. Goon retreated hurriedly to the other end of the bench and debated with himself. This old chap couldn't be the thief. He was deaf, his feet were bad, and he had back-ache. But where had he got those boots? It might be as well to follow him home and find out where he lived. It was no good asking him, that was plain. He'd only make some silly reply. So Goon took out his own pipe and proceeded to fill it, and to wait until the old tramp moved off.
Fatty was also waiting for Goon to move off, because he wanted to see if the policeman had discovered who or where Rods was. So there they both sat, one sucking an empty pipe, the other pulling at a lighted one. The smoke from it almost choked poor Fatty.
And then he saw Larry, Daisy, Bets and Pip coming down the street! Thank goodness they hadn't got Buster, who would certainly have smelt out Fatty at once and greeted him with joy. Buster was safely locked up in the shed, and was no doubt still scraping hopefully at the door.
Fatty sank his chin down on his chest, hoping that none of the four would recognise him. It would be maddening if they did, and came over to him and gave the game away to Goon.
They didn't recognise him. They gave him a mere glance, and then rested their eyes on Goon.
They walked by, giving backward glances at the disguised policeman, who pulled at his pipe desperately, praying that the four would go away. Thank goodness that fat boy was not with them. He'd have spotted him at once, disguise or no disguise.
The four children stopped at the end of the street because Bets was pulling at Larry's sleeve so urgently. "What is it, Bets?"asked Larry.
"See that big man sitting on the bench by the dirty old tramp?"said Bets. "I'm sure it's Goon! I'd know his big hairy hands anywhere. He's in disguise again - a better disguise this time, because his eyes are hidden. You just simply can't mistake those when you see them."
"I believe Bets is right,"said Daisy, looking back. "Yes - you can see it's Goon - the way he sits, and everything. It is Goon!"
"Let's have a bit of fun with him then,"said Pip. "Come on, let's. He won't know if we've spotted him or not, and he'll be in an awful fix."
Bets giggled. "What shall we do?"
"Oh nothing much - just go up to him innocently and ask him footling questions,"said Larry. "You know - what's the time, please? Have you got change for sixpence? Where does the bus start?"
Everyone laughed. "I'll go first,"said Pip. He walked up to the bench. Fatty saw him coming, and felt alarmed. Surely Pip hadn't recognised him. It looked as if he was going to speak to him. No - Pip was talking to Goon!
"Could you please tell me the time?"Pip asked innocently. Goon scowled. He pulled out his big watch.
"Ten to twelve,"he said.
"Thanks awfully,"said Pip. Fatty was astonished. Pip had his own watch. What was the point? Gosh! - could the others have recognised Goon after all - and have made up their minds to have some fun with him?
Larry came next. "Oh - could you possibly give me change for sixpence, sir?"he asked Goon politely. Fatty almost choked, but his choke was lost in Goon's snort.
"No. Clear-orf,"said Goon, unable to stop himself from using his favourite expression.
"Thanks very much,"said Larry, politely, and went off. Fatty got out his handkerchief, ready to bury his face in it if any of the others came along with a request. He hadn't bargained for this.
Up came Daisy. "Could you tell me, please, if the bus stops here for Sheepridge?"she asked.
Goon nearly exploded. These kids! Here he was, in a perfectly splendid disguise, one good enough to prevent anyone from knowing him, one that should be an absolute protection against these pests of children - and here they all were, making a bee-line for him. Did they do this sort of thing to everybody? He'd have to report them - complain to their parents!
"Go and look at the bus time-table,"he snapped at Daisy.
"Oh, thank you very much,"she said. Fatty chortled again into his handkerchief and Daisy looked at him in surprise. What a strange old man.
Bets was the last to come. "Please, have you seen our little dog, Buster?"she asked.
"No,"roared Goon. "And if I do I'll chase him out of town."
"Oh, thanks very much,"said Bets politely, and departed. Fatty was nearly dying of laughter, trying to keep back his guffaws. He had another coughing fit in his handkerchief and Goon looked at him suspiciously.
"Nasty cough of yours,"he said. Poor Fatty was quite unable to answer. He prayed that the others wouldn't come back to ask any more questions.
Goon was debating with himself again. With those children about, pestering him like this, he'd never get anywhere. Had they seen through his disguise? Or was this kind of thing their usual behaviour? He saw Daisy bearing down on him and rose hurriedly. He strode off in the direction of the police station. He could bear no more.
Fatty collapsed. He buried his face in his handkerchief and laughed till he cried. Daisy looked at him in alarm. "Are you all right?"she said timidly.
Fatty recovered and sat up. "Yes, thanks, Daisy,"he said in his normal voice, and Daisy stood and stared at him, her mouth open in amazement.
"Fatty!"she whispered. "Oh, Fatty! We recognised Goon - but we didn't know the tramp was you! Oh, Fatty!"
Enid Blyton tends to get overlooked as a writer of comedy but scenes like that are masterfully handled. Enid moves seamlessly from one character to another with a lightness of touch, an instinctive awareness of speech rhythms and perfect comic timing. No wonder the Find-Outers books are such a joy to read.
Thanks, Pete.
(I don't have the book with me at the moment, or I'd include some quotes.)
out the locked room.
