Lines you would never hear in Enid Blyton!

[John Pickup]

Another excuse to post Betty Maxey illustrations. You've been rumbled, Pete.

[Daisy]

I guess you're right, John!

[Barnard]

“I’ve drunk loads of ginger beer,” said Anne after the picnic. “I must find a toilet.”

[MJE]

Nice to bring this thread back to life. A few thoughts occurred to me...

     The Five had just arrived at Kirrin Cottage at the beginning of the Easter holidays, and were sitting at the dinner table discussing their holiday plans with Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny.
     "What do you think you might do these holidays?" asked Uncle Quentin.
     "Not sure," said George. "I don't somehow feel like going anywhere."
     "Well, you might like to spend some time here with us, for a change," said Uncle Quentin. "When you go away, I miss the cheerful chatter and noise that comes from having someone else in the house besides your mother and myself. It feels cold and lonely and depressing when everything's so quiet. I find the background noise soothing while I am crunching so many numbers and formulas. And hearing Timmy bark is so cheering, too."
     "Well, I feel like finding a real humdinger of an adventure," said Anne. "Life gets a bit boring without an adventure every now and then."
     "Unfortunately, old thing, adventures don't come for the asking," said Julian.
     "I wouldn't mind a quiet time," said Dick, taking a very small serve of salad.
     "Do take more, Dick," said Aunt Fanny. "You're a growing boy and need it."
     "Thank you, Aunt Fanny; but I'm putting on too much weight," said Dick, "and I'm on a strict diet until I lose half a stone, and maybe even beyond. I don't have cream any more - only yogurt; I don't eat meat now - only tofu - yumm!"
     "Well, children," said Aunt Fanny, "if you don't feel like going anywhere, I dare say you'll have a nice time here, with plenty of picnics and walks."
     Joanna gave a faint sigh as she thought of all the extra cooking she would have to do!
     "And of course," continued Aunt Fanny, "you will be able to do plenty of swimming in the bay."
     "Oh, no!" said George, with a shudder. "It's only April - MUCH too soon for that! Why, I'd catch my death of cold if I did that!"
     "I don't feel like doing much either," said Julian. "Not walking, no picnics, no swimming. I might catch up on my reading and school studies."
     Timmy gave a contented "Woof" - it looked as if he was going to get plenty of time to lie around and sleep, instead of going on all those walks all the time.

[Daisy]

Very good! You've included a whole lot of impossibles there. They made me smile.

[pete9012S]

Oh, that did make me chuckle - thank you, Michael.

[Anita Bensoussane]

Very amusing, Michael!

[MJE]

     The Five met at the railway station, and started discussing their holiday plans. At first everyone was full of high spirits, and Timmy's tail was wagging nineteen to the dozen. But then Julian started speaking seriously in an unexpected direction.
     "I think we are setting a bad example for our millions of readers," said Julian, "and it's time we took stock of the things we do. So I don't think it's any longer appropriate for us to go on a long hike into remote country or on a biking tour, or anything like that."
     "What do you mean?" asked George, getting a hollow feeling in her stomach.
     "We live far too dangerously when we get together," said Julian. "Just think about all the millions of children who might follow our example, and actually think they can spend their holidays wandering around freely without any adult supervision."
     Timmy's tail-wagging became a little hesitant, a little less certain.
     "That's called being self-reliant and taking the initiative in life," said George hotly, starting to feel alarmed about the way Julian was going. "Come on, Dick and Anne - won't you stand up for me?"
     Dick looked doubtful, and Anne looked as if she didn't want to get involved in the argument.
     "The world is so dangerous," said Julian, unmoved, "and I am feeling uncomfortable about the things we encourage other children to do through the books written about us. Whether we like it or not, we are now celebrities, and it is our responsibility to set a good example to a whole generation of children. No doubt we will be on T.V. soon, and being a good role model will become even more important, and it's the least social responsibility we have."
     "What's got into you?" cried George, in alarm. "You must have got out of bed on the wrong side this morning."
     Julian continued. "We have not been good role models. Why, we could even encourage children to think they have, or should have, freedom - they might start to take freedom for granted - whereas children really should be looked after by their parents, sent off to safe camps sponsored by churches, schools, or other trusted authorities, where all activities are supervised by adults with degrees in youth welfare; and their free hours after school should be filled to the brim with organized activities scheduled for them so they have no time to get into trouble, or to follow their own interests and so grow too individualistic. We might actually be encouraging children to dangerously think for themselves, instead of letting adults decide things and thus keeping them safe."
     Timmy's tail became still, and then went down as he sensed the way things were going.
     "I guess it must be so if Julian says so," said Anne.
     "Anne! How could you?" cried George. "Are you lot all losing your spirit somehow? You all have a bad tummy-ache or something today? Look at how doleful old Tim looks - he knows what you are saying, and knows what it will mean for the way he and those he loves will live."
     "Ju's right," said Dick. "We set a dreadful example. Look at the way I have been so greedy with food, and act as if that's a good thing, and as if I'm just a hungry growing boy. But look at all the starving children in Africa. We should be ashamed of ourselves."
     Anne screwed up a little courage to speak up. "Think about all the criminals we have put in prison, when they need help and rehabilitation to improve themselves. Being sent to prison will just make them worse, possibly traumatize them permanently. I am feeling rather bad about my role in that now."
     "Anne's right," said Julian. "Why, we almost crow over the ultimate triumph of good over bad, which is unconscionable.
     "And, in our personal conduct, we are so thoughtless when staying with Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny, heedlessly making noise all the time while Uncle is trying to work on his endless equations and formulas. What sort of an example are we setting there? And you really don't try hard enough, George, to stop Tim from barking in the house."
     George's heart was sinking lower and lower as she saw she could not change the others' minds.
     "Well, at least let's go and have something to eat before our train leaves," she said, with the air of a condemned prisoner about to have his final meal.
     "Not sure there's any shop nearby that sells acceptable food," said Julian.
     Dick, valiantly trying to suppress his needle-sharp hunger, said, "Well, there was that Hare Krishna vegan health-food shop we just saw back a bit. We could go there and have some bean shoots and tofu, I suppose, if we let our hair down a bit." He started moving off in that direction.
     "Do they sell ice-creams?" asked George, hesitantly, without too much hope. "Or ginger beer?"
     "George! Wash your mouth out!" said Julian. "Of course they don't sell anything as decadent as that. If you're lucky, they might have protein shakes or melon smoothies or something like that. Sorry, old thing, but the old era is over for good now."
     As George saw Julian and Anne start to follow Dick, she gave up and trudged along some distance behind without any enthusiasm, her heart down in her boots and a cold chill in her middle. Timmy's tail was now right between his legs, curled tightly out of sight.
     The children went off to eat their bean shoots without any enthusiasm - but, except for George, they felt virtuous in their lack of enjoyment. Somehow, George did not any longer feel in the least hungry.

[MJE]

Scenario: In "FIve on Kirrin Island Again", Uncle Quentin is alone on the island, and Aunt Fanny and the Five are visiting him.

     "Hallo, darling," said Uncle Quentin, coming towards them from the weird tower which loomed over the island. Every now and then sparks seemed to fly from the wires poking out near the top. "Good to see you, children." He patted Timmy, and bent down to scratch him underneath. Timmy rolled over in pleasure, his tummy facing upward.
     "I've brought more food for you, Quentin," said Aunt Fanny.
     "I just wanted to let you know how lovely that pea soup was which you left me the last time. Thank you, darling," said Uncle Quentin.
     "I'm glad to hear that you had it before it went bad," said Aunt Fanny, pointedly.
     "Well, I was deeply involved in my experiments and calculations, and got hungrier and hungrier," said Uncle Quentin. "You've no idea how hard it is to calculate differentials, and tetrate complex numbers, and contemplate 4-dimensional geometry when hunger is nagging at you. Hunger won, and I threw all my calculations down to eat my meal while it was still fresh - and unfortunately I completely lost my place in all those difficult sums; but at least I got to enjoy the soup. It was worth having to spend hours starting over again."
     "Father, I'm worried about you with these strange men who may be lurking somewhere on the island," said George. "You must let me leave old Tim here with you, and he will look after you."
     "Your concern is touching," said Uncle Quentin. "But I really don't need Timmy here, thank you. I will be all right, and he will be a distraction from all the hard calculations I must spend hours doing every day."
     "I must say your tower looks quite good on my island, Father," said George. "It really lends it quite an impressive atmosphere. Do you mind leaving it there after your experiments finish?"

[MJE]

Enid Blyton titles that didn't make the grade, and were burned in a panic by her publishers:

  Secret Seven Change Leaders
  Secret Seven Become Democratic
  Secret Seven Make Their Peace with Susie
  The Demise of the Secret Seven

  Five Go on a Health Diet
  Five Become Social Justice Warriors
  Five Have a Quiet Holiday
  Five with Anne in Charge
  Five Do Not Have a Happy Ending
  Five Spurn an Adventure
  Five Become Four
  Five Save the Electric Trosymon
  Five Join Celebrity Survivor
  Five Go into the Big Brother House
  Five Are Helpless Without Their Phones
  Five Come to a Sticky End

  The Mystery of the Disappearing Mystery

  The Adventurous Four Move to the City

  Antoinette Fagging at St. Clare's

  Irene Brings Her Health Certificate to Malory Towers
  Gwendoline Is Swimming Champion at Malory Towers
  Gwendoline Becomes the Heroine of Malory Towers
  Gwendoline Misses Out on Finishing School
  Mam'zelle Rougier's Tricks in Malory Towers

  The Naughtiest Girl Gives up Trying to Be Good

  Noddy Grows Up

  The Put-Em-Rights Put Themselves Right

  The Six Good Boys

  Which Children Are the Dreadful Ones?

  The Faraway Tree Disappears
  How Dame Slap Became Dame Snap
  Dame Slap Finds a Heart
  Mr. Saucepan's Utensils Rust Away

  The Wishing-Chair Breaks Apart

  The Three Golliwogs Become Politically Correct
  The Three Golliwogs Become Very Woke

[Daisy]

Brilliant, Michael! Golly, how different life seems now from when I first read the Fives books in the late 1940s! You have highlighted it so well. However, even then I feel we as children did not seriously expect similar adventures to happen to us!

[Courtenay]

Well done, Michael!

[pete9012S]

Thank you, Michael.
That excellent injection of humour into the forums was just what the doctor ordered!

[MJE]

     Nora and Peggy Arnold were at home, having just broken up from school. They were eagerly awaiting Jack and Mike, and their old friend, Prince Paul, who would arrive home soon from their boarding school. Their parents, Captain and Mrs. Arnold, were there, but somehow didn't look all that happy. Miss Dimity was there, too, having helped prepare things for the children's arrival, and she didn't look too happy, either. The children were going to leave soon for Baronia, Paul's home country in the hinterlands of eastern Europe, where he had invited them to stay.
     The three boys arrived soon. Mike was happy to be home again - but Jack looked rather depressed, and Mike knew why. But Prince Paul didn't look too happy either, but rather as if something was worrying him; Mike wasn't sure what was upsetting him, as he bad been rather quiet about it.
     It suddenly dawned on Peggy how unhappy everyone looked. She had so been looking forward to this time when everyone would be together again, and now her heart sank upon seeing everyone's grim faces. Something was wrong!
     "What's up with you all?" asked Peggy. "You all look like a dog that's lost its dinner."
     Some of the others shifted uneasily, as if not quite sure how to answer.

     "A few upsets have happened," Captain Arnold finally admitted. "I don't know about Paul, but I must admit that I am worried sick about you all flying to Baronia. I've soft-pedalled it before, but I'm sure you can tell that flying has lost its magic for me recently and I have been doing less and less work as a pilot. It's now time to tell you that I have developed a full phobia of flying, and can not fly again, or even go in a plane as a passenger. Just the thought of flying now makes me feel sick, and I can't bear even to SEE a plane. And I really don't feel happy at you all flying off to Baronia. I wish there was some other way you could get there."
     "Oh, Daddy, we'll be all right," said Nora. "Stop worrying."
     "It will be all right, Dimmy, won't it?" she added, turning to Miss Dimity.
     The small, grey-haired lady didn't look her usual cheerful self. "I'm sorry to say, children, that, after today, I won't be seeing you any more - I will be leaving."
     "That's all right," said Mike. "We look forward to when you come back."
     "No, darling, you don't understand," said Dimmy, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "I won't be coming back - ever. When you get back from Baronia, I will be 500 miles away, with some other family who needs assistance."
     All the children looked dismayed, and Nora burst into tears. They were all so fond of Dimmy, and had shared so many good times with her.
     "You must come back, Dimmy dear!"
     "We won't LET you go!"
     Dimmy's tears grew as she tried to compose herself. "You see, your parents won't be flying any more, and so will be here all the time to look after you. They no longer need my assistance."
     The children's faces fell. They so regarded Dimmy as an old family friend that most of the time they almost forgot she was paid to assist at times, and needed the money.
     "Children, we must watch our money now that I can no longer fly," said Captain Arnold. "I need to take some other job - no doubt a very ordinary, low-paying one - and we can no longer afford to have Dimmy help us - and she will have to find work elsewhere in order to live. At least until I sort out what I want to do long-term, I will seek a job helping in one of the local shops just around the corner."
     This cast a real gloom over the household. But, alas, that was not all the bad news!

     "I have bad news, too," said Jack. "Although I have been adopted into your family, my grandfather, for reasons I don't understand, suddenly wants me back to live with him. And there seems to be something wrong with the paperwork by which I was adopted into your family, and my grandfather is going to court, insisting that he has rights to look after me, and insisting that I go back to live with him!"
     "Oh, Jack!" cried out Peggy. "You can't go back to your horrid old grandfather. We want you to live with us."
     "Believe me - I don't want to go. But he insists. Promises me he'll teach me a few lessons when I get back there again. I have a horrid feeling those lessons are going to be very painful."
     "It's not even as if he looked after you properly when you were with him - and it was a few years ago now."
     "That doesn't seem to matter," said Jack sadly. "The court will side with my grandfather, all the lawyers are saying."

     Prince Paul also looked preoccupied, but appeared reluctant to say anything in the wake of this avalanche of bad news in the family. But Mike turned to him.
     "And what's gone wrong with you, Paul?"
     Paul said nothing, but fidgeted. He didn't seem to want to speak. But Mike insisted.
     "Oh, I've got into trouble with my family," he admitted at last. "My father, the king, especially, is not happy with me. I could now kick myself - but I admitted to him a week ago that I was becoming a republican! I was feeling more and more uneasy about the idea of a monarchy, of a privileged family living and holding power solely by heredity, and felt a more egalitarian method of running a country was appropriate.
     "Needless to say, that didn't go down well, and I am kind of in disgrace. Father has taken away my men, Ranni and Pilescu, and also my plane, hoping the shock will knock some sense into me. He's trying to tell me that, instead of abandoning my privileged position, I should use it to promote justice and fairness, and be an influence for good within Baronia."
     "You old duffer!" said Mike. "You've really put your foot into your mouth good and proper this time! Both of them, in fact. You are a past master of dontopedalogy!"
     Paul sighed. "It's not the first time I've been told that."
     "You really ought to think before opening your big mouth, Paul. Your father is completely right - that is how you should handle your position."
     "So are we not coming to Baronia now?" asked Mike.
     "Oh yes, you are - he hopes you will all knock some sense into my silly head; he does think very highly of you all, you know. But I'm afraid we can't fly there now that he's taken away the plane, but we must take a boat and then two trains and a bus to get there, and he sent me the tickets for us all. He thinks living and travelling in a more ordinary way for a while will make me see sense."
     Captain Arnold heaved a sigh of relief at the news that the children would not have to fly to Baronia after all, but would go there by safe means of transport! Was this about the best that would come out of this whole chapter of bad news?

[pete9012S]

Most enjoyable Michael - many thanks!