mynameisdumbnuts wrote:Out of curiosity, why did they choose to enter arranged marriages?
Well in the few cases that I know, the people were keen on getting married at that particular stage in their lives and they wanted to have children. They were candid about the fact that they hadn't met the 'right person' through the normal route of meeting people at school or work or wherever - either due to a shortage of potential mates in these sectors, or because a person who may have seemed 'right' to them, didn't quite reciprocate those sentiments. They were also equally clear that they weren't going to wait around endlessly for this 'right' person to simply show up at some point in their lives. So they asked their families if they knew anyone in their network who might be interested, and as it happened they met the person they felt they could live with forever, this way. Among the people I know, and as far as I know, no was pressure brought on by their families to marry any
particular person - though, I should add, this is not necessarily always the case. Anyway, this is why I don't agree entirely with this notion of Fatty's that these people are not adults. The people I know at least, came to their decision after a lot of careful thought - whether you agree with the decision or not is another matter.
In my great-grandparents' generation, and even in my grandparents' generation, it was normative for Indians to get married to someone without even having
seen that person!
They would see their spouse for the first time
after they got married! Needless to say these poor chumps had to be married off young so they couldn't protest these mad arrangements. Mercifully those days are now long gone. Most Indian parents I know, are clear that their child must
want to marry the person they end up with, even if this person is introduced to the child by their family. That said, even today people do sometimes get pressured into marrying someone their families have selected, because their family basically decides when it is time for their son/daughter to get married, and who they should be marrying. Sometimes these people may even have boyfriends/girlfriends who they would much rather marry, but with whom their parents are not happy. This is when the system is entirely medieval. I would feel sorry for these people, but I also think they have spines of jelly when it comes to standing up for themselves. So my sympathy is limited.
mynameisdumbnuts wrote:My understanding is that if you subscribe to the tradition in which parents choose your spouse, you likely subscribe to the tradition that divorce is unacceptable and are more likely to remain in that marriage even if you don't want to be. Hence the lower divorce rate. It's like how marriages steeped in religion last longer than marriages that aren't -- the more religious you are, the less likely you are to belief divorce is acceptable.
Absolutely! I agree that the low rate of divorce part (if true) would be more likely due to self-selection. If a person is willing to buy out of the notion of romantic-love, and basically marry only because they want to get married (and no other reason), I would imagine they would be more likely to stay put in that marriage.
mynameisdumbnuts wrote:Of course, just because you're married doesn't mean you're happily married regardless of how that marriage came to be.
Again, absolutely! Two of my cousins opted to have an arranged marriage, and while one is perfectly happy, the other one got divorced because she was clear it was not working out. Another cousin of mine got married to a guy she thought she knew really well - they dated for a couple of years before getting married; but that still didn't turn out great. He just seemed to change after marriage. He doesn't respect her at all, restricts her freedom a lot,and insists on ruling almost every aspect of her life (though as far as I know he isn't physically abusive). She is still with him though because she thinks that leaving him would upend both her children's lives.
Incidentally, I should add that even among the crazy marriages I described used to happen in my great-grandparents' days, I have actually seen these really old couples who were totally devoted to each other, even though their manner of getting married was less than ideal.
This wasn't always the case of course, but then that is to be expected.
Fatty wrote: women don't have much control over whom they get to marry in the first place (and let's not kid ourselves; this is the case over most of the country) they naturally tend to be less confident about standing up for themselves. Arranged marriages are not empowering in that sense, to either party, though men tend to have an easier time of it.
I actually agree with you on this!
But I never claimed arranged marriages are empowering, nor did I say they are superior; merely that some people go in for it voluntarily, and to the extent that it is their choice, I respect them for it, and that it is none of my business really.