Jokes

[Julie2owlsdene]

Brilliant, Anita. Very good.

[Ming]

I think that is one of the best jokes I've ever heard.

[Muminah]

Yes, Anita. It's a really funny one. Here's another one.
A Science Teacher after an explaination on Bacteria.

Teacher: Okay Children, Now I want all of your'll to draw a picture of Bacteria. (Goes around the Class and seeing one child not done what she had said) Why haven't you drawn?

Child: Why, Teacher you just taught us that Bacteria cannot be seen to the Naked Eye.

[peppermint peppy]

A tourist in Scotland visited Loch Ness in hope to meet the monster Nessie. Finally, he asked the tourist guide: "When does the monster usually appear ?"
Reply: "Normally after five Scotches."


Father very interested: "Well, boy, how'd it go in chemical lessons?"
No boring stuff at all", tells the boy radiant with joy, "Today in chemistry we have learnt how to produce explosive!"
"And what do you have tomorrow at school?"
"Which school?"

[Moonraker]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's room. "Women don't understand me," he said. The female psychiatrist said, "What do you mean?"

[Muminah]

Eleven people-ten men and one Woman-were clinging to a rope hanging down from a helicopter.They decided one person had to let go or they would all die.
The woman gave a touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because females were used to making sacrifices to their husbands and children and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

[Ming]

I didn't get PP's one, but the ones by Moonraker and Muminah were hilarious.

[Moonraker]

I didn't get PP's one...

It should have ended, "Normally after five scotches." A scotch is a term used for a whisky (Scotch Whisky), so after five measures, you see the Monster!

[Dick Kirrin]

A man walked into a pub carrying his front door under his arm.
The Barman asked him: "Why do you carry your front door along with you?"
The man replied: "Well, I've lost one of my keys, and I don't want anybody to break into my house."
The Barman wonders: "Now what if you lose your front door as well?"
The man: "Never mind that. I left a window open!"

A man watches some children playing at war. One of them goes round the playground making engine noises just like Tinker Hayling. Another kid hits that boy on the from behind with a stick. The kid is not impressed and goes on and on making engine sounds.
The man asks the kid: "Didn't it hurt when the boy hit you with that stick?"
The boy answers: "Why? It's a tank I'm in."

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

[Viv of Ginger Pop]

A man walks into a bar.

He says "ouch".




(thanks to Jack Dee)

[Muminah]

I didn't get PP's one...

It should have ended, "Normally after five scotches." A scotch is a term used for a whisky (Scotch Whisky), so after five measures, you see the Monster!

Now I get it.

[Wolfgang]

And then there were 70% of the people being dissatisfied with the work of their government although it hadn't done anything at all.

[peppermint peppy]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped
him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."




The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[Eddie Muir]

Q. What did Cinderella say when she went to pick up her photographs from Boots and they weren't ready?

A. "Some day my prints will come."

[Muminah]

Good one Eddie.
Here's another one.
"Pour me a double Whisky, I've had an argument with my wife," Mike tells Charlie the bartender.
"Oh, Yeah?" says Charlie. "Who won?"
"Put it like this,"says Mike. "When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and Knees."
"Really?" says Charlie."What did she say?"
"Come out from under the bed you snivelling little coward."