"You put your left arm in
Your left arm out
In out in out
You shake it all about."

"Here's my number. If my wife answers, pretend to be a PPI cold caller."

"Here's my lawyer's number. You can take this matter to court if you like, my girl, but I think you'll find you don't have a leg to stand on."

"...film it on Julian's iPhone and we could call it Two Girls One Plate."

"Ok, ignore the marijuana plants, George. Forget they're there. Just concentrate on this lemon segment and slowly follow me."

George insisted her Mini Babybels were halved and served on a silver plate.

"...on the carpet at the end of my bed so of course I trod right in it. Honestly, George, you're going to have to housetrain that flaming mutt."

Great. I've been on tenterhooks for the next caption picture.

As Fatty went walking that day,
He spied Goon up ahead in the way.
He leapt over a fence
But his weight most immense

A scary young man from the west,
Went walking in only a vest
A stern nun in passing

Tricks and treaters are sure out in force
For sweets they are looking of course
A knock at the door...
We tried to ignore
But they swore at us till they were hoarse.

Yes, I've read all of his short stories. Sounds like a great achievement but they all fit into one volume quite easily. I really love the tales; elegantly written, infused with dry wit and lovely examples of the genre. The Oxford World's Classics paperback is great value. All the stories with notes....

"Joan Collins is on the blower, Peter. She says she wants her shoulder pads back."

I had the 1978 TV series tie in books and each one had an advert for the club. I'd have joined it - I joined a lot of things in those days, fan clubs for Nookie bear and Roland Rat, Dennis the Menace and Desperate Dan - but a line in the ad unnerved me. Your gifts will be used to comfort sick childr...

"The name of Hollow Tree House was changed to Buckingham Palace once it because obvious that a queen lived there."

(Hey, I'm allowed to do those jokes. )