Jokes

[Anita Bensoussane]

Joe comes home, looking upset. "The doctor told me I've got to take these pills for the rest of my life," he says.
"What's wrong with that?" asks his wife.
"He only gave me six!"



A mother-in-law, a tramp, a shaggy dog, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a blonde all walk into a bar together. The barman turns to them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Dick Kirrin]

What's the difference between an Investment banker and a pidgeon?
- A pidgeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

A bank robber's mask slips from his face during the robbery. He points his gun at the clerk and asks him: "Did you recognize me?"
The bank clerk replies: "No, Mr Miller."
The robber shoots him. Then he faces the other employees and customers: "Did anyone of you recognize me?"
A man answers: "I didn't, but my wife here, she did."

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

[shadow]

Here's a joke that sounds like it should be attributed to someone famous

Woman: If you were my husband I'd poison your tea
Man: If you my wife I'd drink it

[Anita Bensoussane]

Isn't Winston Churchill supposed to have said something like that to Lady Nancy Astor?

[Fiona1986]

That reminds me of "Sir you are drunk!" "Yes madam but in the morning I'll be sober, while you will still be ugly!"

[Anita Bensoussane]

I've got a book of Churchill quotations somewhere - they make for amusing reading!

[Tony Summerfield]

That reminds me of "Sir you are drunk!" "Yes madam but in the morning I'll be sober, while you will still be ugly!"

I don't think you have quite got it right Fiona, as I was thinking of it too!! I think it was Bessie Braddock and she said:- Winston you're drunk!

He replied:- 'Madam you're ugly, but I will be sober in the morning!

[Fiona1986]

Thanks Tony, I knew when I posted it that it wasn't quite right.

[Eddie Muir]

This one should appeal to Anita.

Two English tourists were driving in Anglesey. When they reached the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch.

One of them asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Please can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said: "Burrrr...gerrr King."

[Moonraker]

Thanks Tony, I knew when I posted it that it wasn't quite right.

Story of my life...

[Anita Bensoussane]

This one should appeal to Anita.

Two English tourists were driving in Anglesey. When they reached the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch.

One of them asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Please can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said: "Burrrr...gerrr King."

I hadn't heard that one before!

Another one:

When Bob collected his pay packet one Friday afternoon, he found that he had been overpaid by £100. He said nothing, but was delighted.
The following Friday, he opened his pay packet to find that it contained £100 less than usual. Immediately, he went to his boss and complained.
"You didn't complain last week when we accidentally paid you £100 too much," said his boss.
"Well, I was willing to overlook one mistake," replied Bob, "but now a second mistake has been made I feel it's time to say something."

[hope189]

That's a great one, Anita.

[Anita Bensoussane]

My son heard this joke on TV this morning:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

Still no idea.

[Fiona1986]

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyathinkysaurus!

What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog?

Doyathinkysaurus Rex!

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Tie a knot in its trunk, wait til it turns blue then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

[Dick Kirrin]

How can you put four elephants in a green and orange striped Ford FIesta?
Two in the front, and two in the back.

How do you see that the four elephants are in a block of flats?
The Fiesta is parked outside.

Why do elephants have red eyes?
So that they can hide in a cherry tree.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
You see, it is very effective.

In a wrestling match between elephants and mice one mouse manages to get on the elephant's back.
The other mice call out: "Mickey, choke him!"

So much for elephant's jokes.

Cheers

Dick Kirrin