Jokes

[Timmylover]

A woman, hurrying to leave for work, discovered that her washing machine wasn't working. She phoned the repair- man, telling him that the key was under the mat and asking him to leave the bill on the work-top. She also told him that she had a Rottweiler named Killer and a parrot named Cheeky. She assured the repair-man that the dog would not attack him, but warned him: "Whatever you do, don't talk to the parrot".

Killer sat quietly whilst the man worked but Cheeky almost drove him mad with his non-stop chatter, hopping around in his cage and calling the man rude names. As he was leaving the man looked over his shoulder at Cheeky and said: "You stupid bird - why don't you shut up!"
The bird replied: "Killer, get him!"

[Eddie Muir]

A BETTER CLASS OF PUN

1. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

4. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

5. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

[Dick Kirrin]

When a schizophrenic talks about committing suicide, is that a hostage situation?

More of an anecdote than a joke but funny:
When I was holidaying in the Wicklow Mountains some years ago, I asked the youth hostel warden about the weather.
He replied: "If you can't see the mountains from the window, it's raining and if you can see them, it's about to rain."
He was right.

[Eddie Muir]

THE RUDE PARROT

John received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. John tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. The parrot just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the parrot squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

John was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." John was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

[Dick Kirrin]

A man wants to buy a parrot. His only conditions is that the animal could speak.
So the shop assistant offers him three different birds. T
he man asks about the price and the assistant replies: "The gray one is 500 Pounds, the red one is 1000 Pounds and the green one is 2000 pounds."
The man wonders: "Why is there such a big price difference?"
The assistant: "Well, they can all speak, but their speaking skills are different. The gray one, for instance, will repeat what you say, whereas the red parrot has a degree in Philosophy as well as in Psychology, so has someone to have deep discussions with."
The man: "And the green one, what can he do?"
The shop assistant replies: He hasn't ever said a word so far, but the other two call him 'boss'!"

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

[Ming]

A small child asks her older sister one day, "Why do brides wear white?". She replied, "Because white is a happy colour and the bride is very happy on her wedding day." The child looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked, "Then why do the grooms wear black?"

[Anita Bensoussane]

Love the parrot jokes!

[Timmy254]

A blonde walks into a library and shouts, "HELLO, I’D LIKE TO ORDER CHIPS, A BURGER AND A MILKSHAKE!
In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."
"Sorry," the blonde whispers in a barely audible voice, "I’d like to order chips, a burger and a milkshake.


A little boy came home from Sunday School and seemed a little depressed. His mother asked him if something happened in Sunday School class that he would like to talk about.

He told his mother, "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him".

The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman's amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.
Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, "I know what Jeffrey's talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly, the cross I'd bear!'"

[Anita Bensoussane]

Great jokes, Timmy254!

SMALL BOY: Mum, my poor little tortoise is dead!

MUM: It's all right. We'll put him in a box and have a lovely ceremony for him in the garden. Then we'll go out for an ice-cream and I'll buy you a new pet. How about a puppy?

(Just then, the tortoise moves.)

MUM: Look! Your tortoise isn't dead after all!

SMALL BOY: Oh. Can we kill it?

[Muminah]

Great Jokes Everyone!

[Timmy254]

I love that joke, Anita!

[Dick Kirrin]

A drunk man and a parrot are on board of a plane. They don't have a better thing to do than to insult the flight attendant.
After a while, she cannot stand it any more, so she goes up to the flight deck, tears running down her cheeks.
The pilot sees her and asks:"What's a matter, love?"
She replies: "Skipper, there's a drunk and a parrot on the plane and they are insulting me!"
The pilot says: "I shall want a look for myself, so I'll follow you in some distance."
Off they go. Once the parrot and the drunk see the flight attendant, they start again.

The pilot listens for some minutes, then he steps forward, grabs both the drunk and the parrot, asks the flight attendant to open the door and chucks them out.
While the two are sailing towards the ground the parrot says: "It's none of my busienss, actually, but considering that you cannot fly, you were pretty obnexious up there!"

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

[Timmy254]

That's a good one, Dick!

A farmer met his neighbour wandering around the field. "What are you looking for?"
"A cow with one eye called Bella."
"And what's the other eye called?"

A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."

[Dick Kirrin]

That's a good one, too.

What can you see at Mr Perton's home when they all got arrested and taken away? - An Owl's Grin.

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

(My apologies for that feeble joke)

[Julie2owlsdene]

That jokes definately another excuse for being kidnapped, Dick. Watch out, there's a Rooky and Perton about.