Jokes

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Fiona1986
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Re: A Joke

Post by Fiona1986 »

Now see I thought that elephants painted their toenails red to hide in cherry trees!

Why do elephants paint their toe nails multi coulours?
To hide in smartie tubes.

What time is it if an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

What happens if you cross an elephant with a mouse?
You get really big holes in your skirting board.

How can you tell is an elephant is in bed with you?
He's the one with an E on his pyjama pocket.

Umm.....Can't remember any more elephant jokes right now!
"It's the ash! It's falling!" yelled Julian, almost startling Dick out of his wits...
"Listen to its terrible groans and creaks!" yelled Julian, almost beside himself with impatience.


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Re: A Joke

Post by Dick Kirrin »

OK, here's another one:

How can you detect that an elephant has just left your fridge?
He left footprints in your butter.

Cheers

Dick Kirrin

PS: I cannot think of any more elephant jokes. None worth posting, that is. And there are some which are adults only, sorry kids.
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Re: A Joke

Post by Fiona1986 »

What's grey, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
(Bet you thought that was going to be an elephant joke!!)

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they'd look silly with handbags!

Ok, now I'm REALLY running out of elephant jokes!!
"It's the ash! It's falling!" yelled Julian, almost startling Dick out of his wits...
"Listen to its terrible groans and creaks!" yelled Julian, almost beside himself with impatience.


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Re: A Joke

Post by Dick Kirrin »

Name the favourite animal of the chancellor of the exchequer/Bundesfinanzminister and all their most honourable colleagues.
The kangaroo. Why? Well, they can go about doing big leaps with nothing in their bags.

The phone is ringing in a police station.
When a policeman answers it, he hears a voice: "Help, help, she trying to kill me!"
The policeman: "Who is trying to kill you?"
The voice: "A big, gray cat!"
The policeman: "Stop making silly jokes. Who are you?"
The voice: "I'm the Jones' parot and they are off to the cinema!"

Just for a change of animals.
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Moonraker
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Re: A Joke

Post by Moonraker »

Back with the ellies:

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
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Re: A Joke

Post by Timmylover »

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
Great big holes all over Australia.

What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An eight foot long toothbrush.

What's the difference between elephants and fleas?
Elephants can get fleas but fleas can't get elephants.

What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Baby elephants.
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Re: A Joke

Post by Dick Kirrin »

What time is it if an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Thanks Fiona. I used that one on my pupils today. It took them a moment to get it, but they were quite amused once they did. Just before a class test, jokes are great to slow things down and to make the pupils feel more relaxed. :)

So here's teacher's all-time favourite:
Pupil: "Sir, can someone be punished for something (s)he didn't do?"
Teacher: "Of course not."
Pupil: "In that case, sir, I think I should tell you that I haven't done my homework."

If I had been given a coffee each time I heard that one, I'd be even more jumpy and edgey than I already am. :wink:

Cheers

Dick Kirrin
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Re: A Joke

Post by Fiona1986 »

You're welcome Mr Kirrin! I'm glad elephant jokes can be useful as well as funny.
Elephant jokes first appeared in the United States in 1962. They were first recorded in the Summer of 1962 in Texas, and gradually spread across the U.S., reaching California in January/February 1963. By July 1963, elephant jokes were ubiquitous and could be found in newspaper columns, and in TIME and Seventeen magazines, with millions of people working to construct more jokes according to the same formula.
Both elephant jokes and Tom Swifties were in vogue in 1963, and were reported in the U.S. national press. Whilst the appeal of Tom Swifties was to children, and gradually faded over subsequent decades, the appeal of elephant jokes was mainly to literate adults, and has lasted. Elephant jokes began circulation primarily amongst professors, and have been discovered afresh by subsequent generations of adults, remaining, in Isaac Asimov's words "favourites of intellectuals and of sophisticated adults"
.

Interesting, non?
"It's the ash! It's falling!" yelled Julian, almost startling Dick out of his wits...
"Listen to its terrible groans and creaks!" yelled Julian, almost beside himself with impatience.


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Re: A Joke

Post by Anita Bensoussane »

Can't think of any more elephant jokes, but here are a couple of non-elephant ones:

Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?

Jim: One pound.

Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic!

Jim: You don't know my dad!


A woman smashed her car into a wall. The police arrived and asked, "Can you tell us what gear you were in?" "Yes," she said, surprised. "White jeans and a cut-off T-shirt."
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Re: A Joke

Post by Dick Kirrin »

Another car crash classic:

A man is caught by a parking warden because his car is "parked" on the top of a tree.
The warden says: "If you tell me how you managed to do that, I won't fine you for parking where you mustn't."

A bus driver is in court. He is charged with ruthless driving which caused an accident. The judge asks him to give his version of events. He says: "Well, your honour, I can't tell you anything about how the accident happend. At the time it did, I was checking the tickets of the passengers in the rear rows."
The judge: "While doing 90kmph on a city road?"

A VW Beetle has a breakdown on the motorway. A helpful Porsche driver offers to tow the Beetle to the next garage. During their conversation, the VW driver wonders how it does feel to do more than 120 kmph. The Porsche driver says: "All right, I'll let you have this feeling when I'm towing you. Just flash your lights when you start to feel uncomfortable."
So they set off, the Porsche in front towing the Beetle. The Porsche driver accelerates to 80 - 100 - 120 - 140 - 150. Suddenly, they are overtaken by a Ferrari.
The Porsche driver feels offended and puts his foot down, forgetting that he has a Beetle in tow. They race along the motorway with about 210 kmph, the Ferrari leading, the Porsche closing in and the Beetle flashing its lights like mad.
When they pass a service station, the man at the pertol pumps looks in astonishment. He goes in to his colleague and says: "You'll never believe this! A Porsche is hunting a Ferrari and a Beetle is tailgating the Porsche flashing the lights to make him give way, but the b****r in the Porsche won't let him pass."
"You just never knew what would happen. It made life exciting, of course - but it did spoil a cycling tour!"
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Re: A Joke

Post by Julie2owlsdene »

Who breaks into a bakery on Christmas Eve?

Answer: A mince spy. :roll:

8)
Julian gave an exclamation and nudged George.
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Re: A Joke

Post by 70s-child »

Another driving related joke:

A police officer on patrol duty noticed a car crawling along at about 5 mph on a highway. He gets the driver to pull over and notices that a little old lady is at the wheel. "Anything wrong officer?" asked the old lady. "Well ma'am, this is a 55 mile zone and you are going at 5 miles", the officer told her. "Oh but that sign says the speed limit is 5" said the old lady pointing to a sign on the road. The officer looks the sign which has the number 5 on it, and smiles. Turning to the old lady he says "Actually ma'am that is not the speed limit, that sign tells you that you are on highway no. 5". "Oh, I am sorry officer" says the old lady, "I really thought that was the speed limit sign". Just as the officer is about to let the old lady go, he happens to glance at the back seat of the car, and notices 3 old ladies sitting there looking absolutely petrified. Turning to the old lady in the driver's seat he says "excuse me ma'am, but is there a problem? Your friends look like they have had a shock". "Oh that!" says the old lady, "that -- well you see officer we have just got off highway no. 230"
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Re: A Joke

Post by Anita Bensoussane »

:lol:

A man was being treated by his doctor for a broken wrist. "When I've recovered, will I be able to play the piano?" he asked.
"Yes, certainly!" replied the doctor.
"Amazing!" said the man. "I never did know how to play it before."
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Dick Kirrin
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Re: A Joke

Post by Dick Kirrin »

Another doctor's classic:

A doctor tells his patient that he is to change his lifestyle or else...
The man asks: "Now doctor, what about courting ladies, or a song and a drink at the pub?"
The doctor: "There is no harm in singing."
"You just never knew what would happen. It made life exciting, of course - but it did spoil a cycling tour!"
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Re: A Joke

Post by Anita Bensoussane »

A woman gave her husband a 250 piece jigsaw puzzle for his 30th birthday. He spent every spare minute doing it and finally completed it three months later. Proudly, he showed his wife.
"That took you a long time," she said, scornfully.
"Not at all," he replied. "I was very fast. On the box it says 7+ years."
"Heyho for a starry night and a heathery bed!" - Jack, The Secret Island.

"There is no bond like the bond of having read and liked the same books."
- E. Nesbit, The Wonderful Garden.


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